Flaming Zombie Monkeys: May 2009

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Chuck of the day

Chuck fact of the day: Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

How hot is it?

I know, you're saying "but it's in the sun, of course it's going to be hot." I took this picture at 10:00 in the morning and in the shade it was 120, it gets hot in Iraq.

Sweats and Pestery

I saw this sign in downtown Baghdad, I like sweets and pastry, but I'm not sure I want to eat a sweat cake, and I'm not sure what "pestery" might be, big rats maybe?

Death Star Construction Manual

It's amazing that just missing one page could be so crucial. Notice chapter 7, Safety Rails that is something that has always bugged me about all the Star Wars movies, why are there no damn safety rails in any of the movies? You've got guys working on a small platform 3,000 feet above a swirling razor sharp fan blade and not one railing, safety chain or even a safety harness! WTF George Lucas? I guess the empire doesn't have to worry about OSHA inspections.

Damn, where the hell is that secret bunker?

I'm not sure if that's a real sign, but I like to think that it is.

Stewie the sniper

Stewie doing some community service.

Human Patch

Soldiers of the 2nd Infantry Division form a giant human 2ID patch on the Camp Casey golf course in Tongduchon South Korea. I've been to Camp Casey, definitely one of the better camps in the 2nd Infantry Divisions' area.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Chuck of the day

Even Chucks motorcycle is a death machine.
Chuck fact of the day: Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

The Death Star Commissary

Stormtroopers stocking up provisions at the Death Star Commissary.

The recession is worse than we thought

So let me get this straight, if I agree to manage a McDonalds restaurant, they'll provide me with a vacation, uniforms and meals, but they can't guarantee a salary? WTF? I think I'll get a cardboard sign and hang out at the traffic light, at least I know I'll make some money there.

Passive Aggressive Notes

I found this at a new favorite site last night, Passive Aggressive Notes check it out, a lot of good stuff there.

Expendability

Hmmmm, if I had to guess I'd say it's gonna be...........Ensign Ricky.

Robot Chicken Star Trek

It's about time that the Red Shirts fought back.

He's wearing a wire

Stewie and Brian are trying to get back to Quahog and they spend the night in a seedy motel, Stewie wakes up to hear a drug deal going on in the room next door and takes matters into his own hands. I love this show.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Chuck of the day

Chuck Norris really was the Master Chief.
Chuck fact of the day: Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

I have altered the pool

Today's random Star Wars reference, anyone recognize the quote?

How to turn a $5 million dollar tank into a U-Boat

Never try to cross Cow House Creek after it rains. The crew had to be rescued by the fire department and the tank was coded out (turned into depot level maintenance as unrepairable).

New guys

After a while you get used to shit blowing up and unless it's getting closer you don't worry about it.

Oh those wacky Iraqis

Seriously, how did they get the cars up there and how the fuck do they plan to get them down? I saw a lot of weird shit over there but this is definitely in the top 10 of weirdness.

Titanic 2

A movie for everyone, she gets the romance of Jack and Rose, he gets to see Zombie Jack eat Rose's brain....I like it.

Your breakfast is telling you something.

This about sums up my day, went out to mow the lawn, needed gas, went to the gas station spilled gas all over the back of my truck, got home put gas in mower noticed back tire flat, took tire off and put it in the gas soaked bed of my truck, went to three gas stations to find a working air pump, tire wouldn't hold air - needs new valve core, went to auto store and got valve core, went back to gas station, out of quarters, went to ATM got money clerk won't give change, bought soda asked for change in quarters, clerk only has dimes and nickles, went to two different stores to get change (now have three sodas), went back to air pump and filled up tire, got home and put tire back on mower started to rain, fuck it I'm gonna spend the rest of the day on the internet, big thunderstorm hope the power doesn't go out

Do fish fart?

Ever wondered if fish fart? Does it make the water smell funny? Does it reach the surface in bubbles that smell when they burst? What do fish farts smell like, fish? Hmmmmm.

Our own personal El Guapo

I love this part of the movie, I've used this speech many times myself.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Spring Break

Not an original idea, but I think it makes a nice T-shirt

Chuck of the day

Chuck fact of the day: Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Inside a tank while firing

This is from the inside of C66, the Company Commanders tank. We were on the range in Kuwait test firing weapons prior to moving north into Iraq.

Car vs Tank

This happened at Fort Knox back in 1986. One of our tanks was being worked on, the throttle was locked open, it was in gear and the crew member bypassed the starter relay switch and started the tank which promptly took off on a little cruise through the motor pool and the surrounding countryside by itself. The tank eventually came to rest on a small hill that it couldn't get up and we recovered it from there. Luckily the path of destruction was small and no one was injured. Ironically, this car belonged to the mechanic working on the tank and he did not get reimbursed by the Army because he was parked in an area marked with no parking signs, he did however get a ticket for illegal parking.

Vader visits Japan

Darth Vader in Japan trying to recruit for the new Death Star.

Zorro's Dog

So is he supposed to be a ghost, or is he a member of the Klan?

GM's last bid for solvency

Medium Large is the web site, check it out, Francesco Marciuliano writes the internationally-syndicated comic strip Sally Forth and he is a very funny guy with an exceptionally twisted sense of humor, I can't plug his site enough.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Chuck of the day

Chuck fact of the day: On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Your Opinion

Should probably be kept to yourself.

Sad but true

In Iraq, you'll drive through trash dumps and find houses that people have made out of mud and trash and sure enough they've got a satellite dish and a nice car.

Swashbuckling Apple

Arrr

Holy Crap!

That's why I don't like boats and the ocean, I don't care if it's photoshopped or not, sharks big or small scare the crap out of me. Whenever I'm swimming I keep thinking that there's some big fucking fish about to eat me.....screw that.

Those Damn Americans

We know who's really the boss

It's like this at my house, the cats run the dogs.

Rude and Unreasonable Chicken

Had some fun over at Engrish.com today, if you've never been there I highly recommend it.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Chuck of the day

Chuck doesn't like pony tails, get a haircut hippy.
Chuck fact of the day: Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

The Cinnamon Bun

Back in '06 there was a bridge in our Company sector that we had to man a checkpoint at daily, a job that was rotated between our Infantry Squads. One of the squads would send a guy to the Cinnabon at the food court on Camp Taji in the morning while the rest of the guys got the trucks and weapons ready to go, he would pick up cinnamon buns for everyone and they would eat breakfast at the checkpoint. Everyone in the squad would pitch in except for Specialist "B" (I won't name him to protect his dignity), he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't chip in. One morning when they handed out the cinnamon buns, there wasn't one for Specialist "B", the consensus was, you don't pay, you don't eat. He moped about and acted butt hurt about the way that he was being treated and he kept complaining all morning about not getting a cinnamon bun. After listening to him piss and moan for about an hour, the other guys gathered at his truck handed him a cinnabon box and told him that they had just been messing with him. Specialist "B" grabbed the box with glee, held it up to his nose and took a big whiff as he opened it, and immediately started gagging in disgust and horror, for in the box was not a nice warm cinnamon roll, but a fresh steaming turd that Specialist "N" had just squeezed out. I guess the lesson is, you get what you pay for.

The Doctor's Office

Another brilliant cartoonist with a twisted sense of humor, I highly recommend that you visit Amazing Super Powers and be prepared to laugh hard.

The Upscale Version of the Paddy Wagon

The new stretch limo police car, for those times when the Kennedy's come to town. The elite go to jail in style.

One way to keep people out of your office

Good home security system, however, I think that it might set you up for some lawsuits.

My Kind of Candy

Now that's a candy that I'd enjoy.

Pulp Fiction in 2 minutes

Caution: Not Safe For Work, if you have sensitive ears and are offended by the "F" word, skip this one. Proof that Tarantino is a talentless hack who learned everything he knows from watching Beavis and Butthead.

Playing Games with Samuel L. Jackson

I have to say, Pulp Fiction had some great scenes and quite a few great lines, but it was not a good movie. I know, heresy, burn the non-believer, sorry but Tarantino movies are not that great, he's like a kid with tourettes all hyped up on sugar and most of his movies are unwatchable crap that have some how become cult icons. I found that I can only watch a Tarantino movie if I can fast forward through it.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Memorial Day

Nothing funny today, just a day to remember those who didn't make it home and those that didn't make it home in one piece. I miss you all and I think about you every day.