How To Simulate Life In The Army

•Tuck your pant legs into your socks.

•Have your son’s best friend give you a haircut. Allow him to use only one hand. Pay him $8.00.

•Walk your family to school and church. Make them walk in step. When they get out of step, call them “numb-nuts” and “maggot”. Chant irreverent poems.

•Tie your shoelaces in square knots. Tuck the ends into your shoes.

•Every three months, take your family camping for 30 days. Go to a very dusty place. Don’t shower. Change your underwear weekly. Change your clothes bi-weekly. When you come home, burn your clothes.

•Wear a hat whenever you go outside.

•Go to the Winn-Dixie. Show the girl at the Customer Service desk your library card or student body ID card before shopping.

•At precisely 5:00 PM, stop your car in your lane of traffic, get out, face the center of town, place your hand over your heart for two minutes. Get back in your car and drive away.

•Always wear a necklace under your clothing.

•Every 90 days, serve only canned food, three meals a day, for two weeks. Eat it out of the can at room temperature.

•When the lights go down at the movie theater, stand and place your right hand over your heart for two minutes. Sit down and enjoy the movie.

•Buy a one thousand watt stereo system for each bedroom in your house. On Saturday and Sunday mornings, open the bedroom doors and windows, put a different CD in each system. Turn all the volume knobs to “10”.

•Have your employer’s payroll department arrange to pay you only once a month, on the 30th. Spend 95% of your pay by the 7th. Borrow money from your friends on the 25th.

•Place a card table inside your front door. Require one of your children to sit at the table with a sheet of paper. When your childrens' friends come over to play, make them sign in and out. Make your child sit at the table all night. Make him go to school in the morning.

•Buy matching outfits for your entire family. Make them wear the same outfit each day.

•Put nothing in your pockets.

•End every phone conversation by saying, “Out Here”, then hang up.

•Injure a body part and go to the ER. Ask to be treated by the Dermatologist. If one is not available, ask for the Psychiatrist or Gynecologist.

•When your family comes to the dinner table, have them sign a roster for their meals.

•Post a menu for the week. Only serve three of the seven dinner meals posted. Serve ham slices to the last person to sit at the table.

•Remove the knobs that control the air conditioning and heater in your car. Drive everywhere with all windows down.

•Inventory your children’s toys each month. If any of the toys are broken or missing, purchase exact replacements and take the money out of their allowance.

•When you finish a cigarette, flick the ash and remaining tobacco on the ground. Put the filter in your pocket.

•Remove the lint screen from your clothes dryer. If your spouse replaces it, remove it again and throw it away.

•Every six months, make your family do push-ups and sit-ups for two minutes, then run two miles. Weigh them, tell them they are overweight for their height. Serve KFC or pizza for dinner for the next month.

•When you go on vacation from work, have the HR department deduct the weekends from your vacation days also.

•Every morning at 0630, have your family stand in a line on the driveway, tell them what they are going to do for the day (even if it’s the same thing they do every day). Inspect a child, tell them they need a haircut and a shave. Make them report to you by 1700 to show you the haircut.

•Replace each box of kleenex in your house with a role of toilet paper – "Army kleenex on a roll".

•Every three years, on the child’s birthday, set each child down for an interview, tell them what a great job you think they have been doing and how important they are to the family. Get them to sign a document promising to stay with the family for another three years. Promise them an increase in their allowance, a room of their own, and better food. The day after their birthday, treat them just as you did before the interview.

•Every year, send your boss a memo requesting to be transferred to Hawaii.

•Go on vacation. Stay one day longer than you told your boss you would be gone. Do not call him and tell him you will be late. When you return, visit with him and tell him your car broke down or your flight was cancelled and you had to be rescheduled to a later one. Write out a check for two weeks wages and send it to payroll.

•Remove the doors from the bathrooms in your house.

•Make your children walk down the sides of the hallway, avoiding the centerline.

•Throw out all your ink pens in your house, except the black ones.

•Each night, make one of your children continually walk throughout your house with a large flashlight and wearing a football helmet, have them check to see that the windows and doors are secure, and ensure that the other children are not smoking in bed.

•On the Fourth of July, have your family stand on your front lawn, in formation at parade rest. Dismiss them only after at least two members have fallen over with heat exhaustion.